8
ICONIC COLUMN 8 – the story behind a Herald stayer
(c) David Astle
Jeanette Weeden of Epping confesses to owning a 32-year-old jar of paprika. Winnie the Phew is a nappy wash service on the Gold Coast. While four-year-old William McManus of Yass spent the day at school learning about Bart Simpson and his donkey.
So read the random treasures of Column 8, the whim and wit of readers that runs six days a week in the Herald. Pat Sheil, the column’s editor, describes his concern as a “printed chatroom”.
“The readers run the show. I just referee what’s going on,” admits Sheil, the referee now for some 3 years. “I might throw in the odd quirky comment or try to steer things – but really the readers own the column.”
For over 60 years, twice as old as Jeanette’s paprika, Column 8 has flourished on the same principle. Born in January 11, 1947, occupying the front page’s eighth column, the new feature has always promised an alternative to news – some may say an antidote – touching on suburban daydreams, skewed signs, AWOL apostrophes and life’s little mysteries.
(Why are bananas taboo on boats, say? Can a hearse – with passenger – join a transit lane? Why don’t snails eat weeds?)
To quote Rupert Henderson, the Fairfax managing director during Column 8’s debut, “We were anxious to lighten what some people called a stodgy, heavy paper.” Hence matters of state shared prime space with thieving magpies and double-yolkers.
Nor have two major in-house changes dimmed reader exuberance. The first, in 1967, saw the abduction of Granny from the column’s header. (The mob-capped caricature was based on the column’s first editor, Sid Deamer.) Even today, while the matriarch may do a Melba on Red Nose Day, many subscribers still know the feature as Granny’s Column.
The second change came in 2000. Risking mob revolt, editor-in-chief Paul McGeough opted to enforce what only the likes of Lady Di’s death and a moon landing had obligated: bumping Column 8 to the back of Section 1. (George Richards, column editor at the time, set up a hotline to cope with anticipated gripes.) Though the furore was brief as readers came to see that 50% more space meant more twice the delight.
Richards in fact, following his record 15½ years at the helm, has recently compiled two Best-Of Column 8 books. Both titles teem with the tonic non-news of our epoch. Take the frantic bus conductor of the 1950s. The bloke rushed into a Broadway pub wanting a milk bottle filled with water. Was he thirsty? No, a goldfish bowl on his bus needed replenishing…
Pat Sheil, in a sense, faces the challenge of filling his own “empty bottle” every day. He’d be lost without his inbox. “I’d receive close to 100 emails a day, maybe a dozen phone calls and a few snail-mail letters.” The first tide belongs to global expats, and next the 8am rush of homegrown scribes, making Column 8 as much a reflection of Herald readers, as Sydney itself.
Awash in new stuff, Sheil will see a natural order declare itself. New threads will weave among topics du jour. Or said another way, as one possum saga bites the dust, so will a new ring-tone outrage rise.
Every day, Sheil sweeps the chosen items (see box on writing tips) across the on-screen template of 100 or so lines, and trim to size. “On slow days I use couple of timeless items in reserve – the old perennials.” Think quaint phrases, wry bumper stickers….But those slow days are seldom, thanks to you and your enduring whimsy.
8 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW
1 – The first Column 8 item, in 1947, evokes sport and war: “VALUES. Don Bradman, Test cricketer, can’t remember the number of autographs he’s signed – “must run into many thousands”. Marcus Oliphant, atom expert, can. He’s never been asked for one.”
2 – Among the rare stories to push Column 8 off the front page are Harold Holt’s disappearance, JFK assassination, moon landing, Granville derailing, the Dismissal, Lady Di’s death, Port Arthur massacre and Thredbo landslide.
3 – Song R29 on the jukebox of Nairobi’s meanest nightclub is Kylie Minogue’s Locomotion.
4 – Lady Agatha Maberly is a Column 8 enigma. “I’ve never spoken to her,” admits editor Sheil. “She’s a complete email experience.” Over years the mystery madam has sent tea-sets by courier, a wooden toaster and countless high-dudgeon letters. “She’s completely bogus, but so amusing.”
5 – Brevity is all when submitting an item. Sheil again: “If something is more than 150 words, I usually won’t read it. What’s the point? It may be a fine passage of writing but why send it to Column 8?”
6 – Tone is the other key ingredient. “Be light,” advises Sheil. “Whinges generally won’t get a run because more people want a chuckle in the morning.”
7 – Column 8 claims to be the oldest, continuously running column in the world. Past editors include Sid Deamer, Duncan Thompson, Bill Fittler, Col Allison, Jim Cunningham, George Richards – and reputed cameos by Peter Bowers and Lenore Nicklin.
8 – Lemons should be squashed by your new car’s tyres, according to Hindi custom, as a means of ensuring good luck for the vehicle. (Life’s Little Mystery No 225)
[Sydney Morning Herald, September, 2006]